Codependency: A Dance of Black and White Thinking and Toxic Shame

There is an acronym in Twelve Step Recovery, that like many simple sayings, it full of Truth. That acronym is HOW. The letters stand for honesty, openness, and willingness. It is vital to be willing to start looking at life and self from larger perspectives, willing to take the action necessary to align with healing. To be open to changing our attitudes, to feeling our feelings. And it is so vital to start being willing and open to getting more honest with ourselves.

Codependence is dishonest. It is an emotional defense system adapted by humans to try to survive the pain of feeling unworthy and unlovable. From a codependent perspective there are no choices - only two extremes, black and white. Right or wrong.

Because as small children we did not have any perspective or discernment (prior to the age of reason, which occurs about 7 as our brains develop) we were incapable as viewing our parents as anything other than perfect Higher Powers. Our God and Goddess. Because our Higher Powers were wounded and did not know how to Love self, we were wounded and got the message that something must be wrong with us. Toxic Shame.

Out of our codependent relationship with life, there are only two extremes: blame them, or blame me. Buy into the belief that they are to blame for what I am feeling - or I am to blame because I am a shameful unworthy being. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable to our parents - which is a reflection of unbearable anguish of feeling separated from The Source - can feel like a bottomless pit of agonizing suffering. At the core of our wounding is the unbearable emotional pain resulting from having internalized the message that God - our Source - does not Love us because we are personally defective and shameful.

Our addictions, compulsions, and obsessions; our continuing quest to reach the destination, to find the fix; our inability to be present in the now through worrying about the future or ruminating about the past; are all tools that we used to avoid the emotional pain. Our behavior patterns and dysfunctional relationships (of all kinds, with other people, with money, with our gender and sexuality) are symptoms. Codependence is a defense system that was adapted by our damaged egos to try to avoid falling into the abyss of shame and pain within.

We formed our core relationship with self, other people, and life based upon this feeling of toxic shame. Like the corruption at the foundation of Western Civilization, there is corruption in the foundation of our relationship with self. Reflections.

In order to start changing our ego programming and healing our emotional wounds, it is necessary to start Loving ourselves. We start Loving ourselves by opening up to the possibility that maybe we are Lovable. We start Loving ourselves by using our will power to start changing our attitudes, beliefs, perspectives, and behaviors - in order to start changing our relationship with self, with our own emotions.

We are Co-Creators of our human experience, but for most of our lives we were allied with the disease - lived life out of the fear, lack, scarcity, separation programming of the damaged ego. We were powerless to change our ego programming out of the false self, the ego self image, that was based upon the dishonesty inherent in black and white thinking.

Our paths unfolded perfectly to bring us to a point where some life event, or series of events, brought us to our knees, caused us to hit an emotional bottom that made us start being honest enough with ourselves to see that we needed some help. When we started to seek help, we opened up to allowing the Universe to start guiding us with carrots instead of using the stick. We opened up to becoming willing and honest enough to start learning the lessons we are here to learn instead of being trapped in repeating our patterns.